One of the things that I have noticed while driving Uber, was that some people don’t like to think for themselves. It may seem easier to rely on others or to blame others, but in the end we can’t change anyone but ourselves, it is so much better to rely on our own independent thinking.
This little revelation comes with my manual trunk. Yes, it is a 2016 model yet somehow it does not come with an automatic trunk, so pretty please, with sugar on top, help yourself.
My favorite passengers are the ones that think like a driver. First, they knock on the trunk to signal the need — I see your luggage okay I know what that implies; then they wait for a second, if it doesn’t pop, proceed to help themselves. Keep asking “can you pop the trunk” does not solve the problem. One time I got this grandma “feebly” holding onto the car and made the trip twice from the back to the front to ask, yet refused to take “it’s manual” as an answer, she was about to come back ask me the third time, while her husband stood there say nothing do nothing — if there is anyone in this town knows how to open a manual trunk I bet it is you — I kind of lost my cool. I rose and got out, grabbed the trunk with right hand, nothing fancy to see here, opened it, and said those words as calm as I can to her: IF I COULD, I WOULD.
She really did not like it, acted like a victim, a martyr of a defiant time, and later wrote to Uber to report me for something else she made up. Imagine her sees the automatic door for once in a mall, then she goes home and stands in front of her own bathroom… like what are you waiting for grandma, open sesame??
Easy to laugh at someone else’s folly, chances are we all have done foolish things like this. We make assumptions, don’t use our own independent thinking, and hold someone else responsible for our own problems. You don’t mind treating people unfairly, you do mind if they were to treat you the same way back, or to hold you accountable for it. Look at the downfall of Harvey Weinstein, had he known that he could not escape the consequences, would he still have done what he did to those women? Probably not. Upon hearing his sentencing of 23 years in prison, how he looked like a victim himself. Ego loves a drama, it literally goes out of its way to create situations to make itself look like a victim, but ego is no martyr, it only gives to take.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should? Knowing it is what it is already, bargain for some more anyway. Poor me, look at what I have done for you, how have I suffered, sacrificed, how have you wronged me! The thing is, no one is obligated to love you, but you. Others love you with freewill, you love you by default. If that person could choose you, she/he would, whether chosen or not, it is a projection of that person’s inner world, not a definition of your value and worth.
Not just between lovers, plenty parents out there truly don’t love their own children either. Why? That is another entire ocean of deep water, but truth is often quite simple, so simple that we refuse to believe it: you can’t give what you don’t have.
It is merely a theory, not fact, that all parents must at least love their own children. How unfounded. Everyday somewhere out there, a son has been beaten to death as daddy is having a rough day; everyday somewhere out there, a daughter has been raped as mommy is too cowardice to take a stand. What kind of love is that? What happened to “parents sacrifice so much for children”? People don’t become better or worse by impregnating someone, getting pregnant or giving birth, they are who they are. Sometimes a child’s innocence inspires them to be better and responsible; sometimes it inspires them to take advantage and exploit. And neither of it, is because of the child, but because of them. Their nature, their past, their vision of future.
“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Arthur Conan Doyle. If the trunk does not pop by itself, then it must be manual. Wah lah.
There are many types of human, some reciprocate your kindness, some take advantage of it, some abuse it, some hate it. But if you have to generalize humanity into two sorts like automatic trunk or manual trunk, then the defining feature is their responsiveness to suffering. Psychology calls it COMPASSION. There are people with compassion, various degrees; there are people without. Those without compassion do not respond when you are asking for it, because they don’t have it. But compassion is the foundation of genuine kindness, generosity and love. Yes, love. Love is far more expanding than what we commonly misunderstood as emotion, love is a perspective from the eyes of compassion, love is encompassing, love is life giving, love is the opposite of indifference, cruelty, humiliation and annihilation.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should? Bargain for some more when you know there is none. Have you considered, maybe it is not that you are not worthy of love, or you need to try a new trick, but that she/him cannot love? No matter how many times you ask the driver to pop the trunk, it won’t change from manual mechanism to automatic, it is what it is, it was not manufactured that way. No matter how much we invest in someone who has no compassion, she or he will never love you back, not the kind of love that you are wanting anyway. It is one of the greatest shames in this world, that a child is born into the arms of people who has no compassion for its cries and needs. What is the child supposed to do? Too small to fight, too naive to see, too dependent to run away.
If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask Him to take the procreate rights away from people that cannot love, no matter their excuses. It is not about what they want, but what is best for our next generation, our collective well-being. Although compassionate parents make mistakes too, there is hope, there is learning curve because they respond to the hurt they caused with regret and they change themselves to earn forgiveness, that’s true repentance. But not the narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and parasites of all kind. They care not about anyone’s well-being, they treat children like subordinates and tools, they do see kindness as weakness, and launch assaults at vulnerabilities — the acute effect of true evil: the deliberate transgression of goodness and dehumanization. This pain is too grave, this risk is not worth taking.
Parenting should be a privilege of those who can love, as love is the milk for new life, we are meant to nurse babies, not to suck energy and harvest profit from babies, how insidious is that! Yet everyday somewhere out there, a small child is traumatized, crippled, even life cut short, in the hands of people that supposed to love and protect them, simply because the world is unaware of a type of people that look just like us, yet are devoid of compassion. Those people are not fit for duty as parents or lovers, they can’t give what they don’t have. The time has come for us to be trained in mass scales to proactively prevent any damage from those people. With all love and due respect, we simply can’t afford to share a life with them, like a puppy can’t be kept in the same enclosure with a crocodile, it has nothing to do with forgiveness, but common sense. The crocodile will prey on the puppy, the danger is obvious. Sociopathic people, people without compassion without conscience, will prey on children and vulnerability, the danger is covert yet far more erosive and destructive. This venom pulsates in our society as a whole and runs through the veins of family, ends up in every organ, by the time it explodes on the surface, it is already too late.
Let this be the new common sense: compassion is the foundation of love.
How can someone without compassion love you, or anyone? How? They don’t care about your suffering. If they could, they would. But they could not… Your suffering delights them, your pain feeds them. They learn to adapt and fake and put up a show, sometimes they pay bills, buy gifts, do nice things, to fit in, to show off, to trade off some benefits, but genuine love is a perspective they can’t see, a mechanism that’s not built in. Crocodiles tend to their young too, to a degree, but they also don’t mind devouring their young. If your caregiver or lover is a crocodile, I plead you, instead of begging God to change the crocodile to warm blood, or harden your own heart to cold blood, why not just moving on and finding another puppy like yourself? Some things are not meant to be fixed by you, a crocodile is a perfect crocodile if you accept it as what it is, it needs not to be fixed, but to be understood, and kept away. If you love it, then leave it alone, drop your unrealistic expectations. Let him be him, let you be you. Give him the freedom to be himself, give you the freedom to be yourself, and go on your separate ways. This love, I have learned after many years of searching, is called unconditional and detached.
It is heart aching that sometimes we have to let go of the last person we want to let go of, along with it, all the works, expectations and could-have-beens. So, see it as a gift, a donation, a charity case, a pro bono. A project you worked so hard on but destined for failure. Now we learn to let go with grace, if not, let go with tears, but let go anyway. That trunk is not going to pop by itself, so help yourself. That love you so yearned for is not coming, so walk away, love yourself, another spring will come, along with new leaves.
Like Sherlock Holmes said, let’s don’t twist facts to suit theories, but theories to suit facts. It has never been true that all parents at least love their own children, let’s face the facts, and adjust the theories. Loving people become loving parents; codependent people become overwhelming/underwhelming parents; brutal people become brutal parents; psychotic people become murderous parents. Wah lah!.
Yes, some people do change, given that they are willing to change, which would require conscience (self-awareness), remorse (self-condemnation) and empathy unto others. In a word: compassion. In another word: they give a shit. oh, that’s four words.
Every once a while, iPhone pops up a breaking news, that somewhere a parent committed infanticide. It is so frequent that it shouldn’t even be called breaking news anymore, just news.
Chris Watts, a Colorado man who murdered his pregnant wife Shanann, 34, two underage daughters Bella, 4, and Celeste, 3, had a picture-perfect life on Facebook, “my kids are my everything” he said. Did Shanann know him as the crocodile he is already when she posted happy pictures and dabbed herself lucky? Was she stranded in the island of illusion, did she give up swimming? Did the children stand a chance of not becoming victims of the false theory, that every parent at least loves his own children? Well, Chris’ mouth says he loves them, his action says otherwise. He strangled the lights out of “his own children” like throwing away some garbage laying on his path to a new wife. “Daddy no!” was Bella’s last words, guess it meant less than nothing to daddy. If you have paid attention to this case, you know that he blamed the disappearance and death of his children on Shanann first, he even used their blood to gain five minutes of fame and some sympathy on TV, “lovingly” calling them to come home, right after he’d buried them in an oil field… He only admitted the murders when all his lies worn out and was only bidding his confession to avoid death penalty — always an angle. Were you surprised when you read that Chris’ mother insisted that her son was wronged, that he is a bible reading good boy? Woman, aww, woman, why is there always a woman vouching for a monster, how can anyone save you, when you are the one holding yourself hostage? Was Chris born evil, or something unspeakable was done to him too when he was little? Where did this venom come from? Where did this cold blood come from?
How many more times those tragedies have to happen for us to realize that some people are simply not fit for duty as parents or caregivers, and do something about it??? For starters, shouldn’t this be legislated? Shouldn’t people be checked before entrusted with a newborn? Before this notice takes place in the outer world, at least first in your own heart and mind, promise that you shall never ever try to fix a crocodile. Vow to yourself, as soon as you find out that someone is without compassion, you get out! When you see neighbors that brutalize children, call it in, provide a safe harbor if you can, and take a stand. Evil can’t grow under exposure, the front line of protecting children, preventing the making of more monsters, is not in the courthouse, but at home, in the community, amongst ordinary folks and in everyday life. Love children, even if she/he is not yours. Look out for them as they really can’t quite help themselves yet.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference — Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer will work better than your futile attempt of changing someone else’s brain and heart. If everything could be changed by you, there would be no need of this prayer. The power of making a difference lies in your own hands: change your own thinking. To really get into it, let Albert Einstein remind us again the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Are you insane?
Don’t try to change the unchangeable, it is an act of self-transgression, self-betrayal, it is a fool’s errand. It cannot be done! No matter how the puppy loves and cries, licks and wags, the crocodile is unmoved, it is what it is. And the fateful bite will fall on the puppy, just a matter of time. So run baby run… believe your own guts and instincts, believe in love. In the end, you are the only one responsible for your own happiness and well-being, you are the only one have to live with it all at all time. Swim away from the isolation, back track your footsteps, get out and get away, never to return. There will come another puppy that loves you back, and you won’t have to work so hard to change him or to teach him humanity, he could love you, and he would love you. Easy like Sunday morning, easy like summer breeze, easy like pancakes with a handful of berries atop, maybe a pinch of chocolate chips too.
Remember, compassion is the foundation of love, not emotion, not blood relation, not familiarity, not fear of loneliness, not dependency, not beauty, not money, not a ring, not specialness, not ego validation, not make-believes, not words, not words, not words.
If daddy could love you, he would; if mommy could love you, she would. If he could love you, he would; if she could love you, she would. Everything seems personal, in the end, is not personal at all. We all project our own fears and expectations onto others, it is time to look within, love yourself a bit harder, hug yourself a bit tighter, read some books, eat some healthy food, and get some therapies if necessary, get a job! Be responsible for yourself, woman, so you don’t have to be stuck with a no-good man. Be responsible for yourself, man, so you don’t have to be stuck with a no-good woman.
Declare your independence from the core of your being, revere the sacred freedom that our ancestors bled for, invoke the true American Spirit wherever you are, own up to our certain unalienable Rights as endowed by the Creator that among these are: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On this ground, you are entitled to exile people who consistently jeopardize your safety, freedom and well-being. Starting with your own destructive thoughts, starting within your own household.
Dear empaths, people who love too hard give too much care too deep, you are the number one easy target for narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and parasites of all kind. Exercise your discriminative judgment, discern truth from lies, good from evil. “Trusting what others say without observing what they do is the folly of the wise; trusting what others do without observing what they say is the wisdom of the foolish.” — Chinese proverb. When all else fail, compare your state of well-being before and after your dealing with someone, do you feel better or worse? Does he/she add value or take away? Is it freeing or controlling? Is it healing or humiliating? Is it kind or unkind? The devil can hide its footsteps, but not its effects. Why on earth would you love someone that damages you and steals from you? You deserve more than that. A good partner is hard to replace, a parasite is hard to get rid of, notice the difference.
Love is life giving, it would feel like anything but annihilation.
Even the best liars in the world, cannot fake their energy impact on you. Your house is always emptier after the visiting of a robber.
There was this little white bunny joke that I heard from a friend’s party that made me think. It is very silly and simple.
Grey wolf likes to hang out with white bunny, he always invites bunny over for a drink, then bunny goes home next morning. After a few times, bunny starts to reject wolf’s invitation, “Why? Did you not have fun?” Asks the wolf. “Yes,” Says the bunny, “But I always wake up with a headache and my butt hurts.” Then everyone would laugh at the joke and move on.
However, when it comes to real life, when it comes to our personal relationships, we act even more foolish than the white bunny sometimes. Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should? Stayed in a company longer than you should? Stayed in a household longer than you should? Even when your body and mind are giving so many signals to you that something isn’t right, yet you don’t move on, you don’t run away, you don’t say no like the bunny says no to the wolf, he doesn’t have to know what the wolf did to him, he just has to know that his bad feelings are connected to the wolf. This is the wisdom of HINDSIGHT. Everyone has an impact on you, people seldom stay neutral, if the impact is not positive, then it is usually negative. If someone’s impact is usually negative, why on earth would you want that person to be in your close circle? Have you no self-respect? Have you no standards? Have you no boundaries? Come on, you know you can’t change others, so change yourself please. Say no, say no, say no.
First, knock on the trunk, if the driver doesn’t pop it, it means it is manual; second, grab the trunk by thy-own-hand, open it. Help yourself, use your own independent thinking.
When you love, first, give some benefit of doubts but observe. If kindness, generosity and compassion are not reciprocated, it means that person doesn’t love you or can’t love at all — do not try to change her/him as a person, respect her/his freewill, accept it as what it is; second, walk away, let go kindly, don’t look back, surrender it to God’s Grace. Have a little faith in the uncertainty, someone else will come along. God loves you, and He is right to love you, so baby please, love yourself too. Fill up your own cup first, so you have something to share with.
If God would love you, you could love you too.
